Desperate Measures

*staring out at the Caldwell night through the sliding door, busy streets swirling in a kaleidoscope of light and motion, a vivid cacophony stopped by the wall of thick glass, protecting me from the demons hiding behind forced smiles and painted faces that roamed the clubs and alleys… just as Vishous was trying to protect me from his own demons…Fuck… growling in frustration at the interruption that had taken him away so urgently and left me in our penthouse alone…his penthouse, I corrected… it wouldn’t be ours until we’d seen this through…. I couldn’t even go home to the Pit, fear for my safety compelling Vishous to order that I stay here until his return, cursing my past, my dreams haunted by the abuse that left me determined to never again be a victim… never let anyone hurt me… cringing inwardly at the memories… a weight on my chest holding me down, the smell of my flesh seared by the glowing end of a cheap cigarette… smoothing a hand over the fading scars on my arm, turning and making my way back to the center of the room, a lick of fear coursing through me while I study the rack, running my fingers over the heavy leather straps adorning the corners, imagining the countless females who’d shed blood and tears for my male on its scarred surface, shaking off the thoughts… never again would any other female fulfill my hellren’s darkest desires, gritting my teeth as I’m overcome with a wave of jealousy that it had not been me that had sated his hunger all these years…Vishous is mine!… my mind roaring the words, strengthening my resolve to give him what he needed, hating that his craving came with a crushing self-loathing that no amount of reassurance from me had been able to dissuade… if only he could see in himself what I saw, could understand that my love was total and absolute… instead he’d pulled away, unwilling to admit that the need was eating at him a little more with each passing night, every promise of coming here together set aside by another phone call from Wrath, another lead to be checked out…each delay adding a brick to the wall forming between us, padding into the bedroom and sitting heavily on the bed I glance around, my attention drawn to the partially open drawer of the nightstand, the corner of a small black book peeking out at me, pulling it from its hiding place, brow furrowed as I thumb through the worn pages… names and numbers written in my hellren’s precise hand, males and females alike, the latter likely Vishous’s “pets”, the book was a veritable who’s who of the depraved underworld that had been his outlet for centuries… Christ, there were so many… swallowing hard, eyes widening with every page I turned until a thought stopped me cold… what if he’d gone to them? Oh God, the phone calls… the absences… would he have called on one of the females from this cast of submissives to spare me the brunt of his appetite?... dropping the book to the floor and picking my phone up with shaking hands to dial Vishous’s cell,  immediately connected to voicemail, fighting to keep the hysterical edge from my voice* <Nallum, it’s me. I… Come home to me soon. I love you, always.> *wracked with guilt that he’d resort to such extremes to keep this part of his life from me, that I’d failed him before we’d even begun… cradling my head in my hands, staring down at the floor, eyes wandering to the open book laying between my feet, its glaring white pages demanding to be looked upon, my focus falling on one name in particular…Aihdan… notes on the page’s margin identifying him as a dom, suddenly words I’d spoken to Vishous echoed in my ears… “I'm sure I can find a master to properly school me for your use..” a teasing threat that now seemed my only hope of becoming what he needed, lips drawn tight I snatch the book from the floor and pick up my phone again, this time dialing the numbers printed next to the name, sucking in a breath when a harsh male voice cuts short the shrill ringing, a whispered ‘for him’ passing my lips, I respond without acknowledging the snarled greeting* I need your help…