Not really having the balls to leave NY for good, I stayed close enough to be of any assistance to the Brotherhood I could while I was still out of reach for everyone. Thank fuck for my privacy issues. The Penthouse was now my permanent residence. I kept to myself, buried in the shadows of a dark stinking alley that would be my ally and my home, to be with my lonesome self was something that I never thought I would do again but I never really believed that I was meant to share the misery of my existence with anyone else. No matter what, I had to do what I could. The need to fight did not just thrive on the fact that I was born into it, born this way, a fighter by nature and blood, but in these moments of misery it gave me something to fucking do that didn’t involve much, if any, real thought and ultimately it would take off the edge that had never left me since I decided to leave… no scratch that, since I started obsessing about a female that didn’t belong to me. The seat creaked under my weight as I rolled my shoulders to try and alleviate the tension that was building up just from being cooped up in this place, never really my home but merely a place where I could go to and give into my darker nature.
Transparent liquid swirled in the glass I held with my gloved hand, my mind conjuring the last images of the female with the mahogany curls and big dark chocolate eyes. It wasn’t how I wanted it to go, nope, nowhere near but I could at least think of the way she felt against my body when I embraced her at the club. That moment, right at that instant, I passed through the awkwardness of the moment and just for a second I could imagine that she was mine to desire, mine to comfort… just.fucking.mine. The mere thought made me groan in discomfort. Not only was she not mine but she belonged to a brother, they were together and I had no intention of getting in the way. Especially not after the shitty life I had, a female like her deserved to be with someone like Tohr, a worthy warrior that had logic written in his every bone. There would be no sudden mood swings or anything that might be considered “unbalanced” and I was right up that alley with Z. And I believe everyone could safely agree that male had serious problems.
That conversation did not go well when I presented my case to the King. Then again, the fact that I told him I was leaving the Brotherhood for the benefit of others had the male out of his big ass throne with a nasty look on his face, fangs bared and a menacing growl filling the air. He forbade it and yelled. Wrong answer… I had no intention of backing out of my decision and there was no going back. This was going to happen with or without consent. I leaned against the wall, staring back at the intense look that only Wrath could pull off with those wraparounds covering his eyes. If anyone could pull an expression or glare that would be him. That I felt like a high school female asking for a break because she couldn’t deal with her workload and boyfriend bullshit. After God knows how long he finally demanded a goddamn explanation and snarled “The Brotherhood is not something you can just fucking run away from, Vishous!” My diamond eyes bore into those wraparounds as if I could see behind the dark lenses. My voice was matter of fact. “I need some… space… or I will do something stupid… involving a female that’s taken” Shit hit the fan and off went his bonding scent. the temperature of the room dropping far enough to flash freeze a side of beef. I had to roll my eyes at the sudden aggression and testosterone levels. “No offense to Beth, but she’s not my type.” A tense moment later, I argued my point and won, logic finally forcing Wrath to agree that putting some space between me and the brothers was best. I was now technically on a “leave” and would answer the goddamn phone to come to aid. As if I could really get away. Later that same evening I was ready for my last goodbyes and a nice fucking drink.
As always, the club was swamped with females and males that seemed to writhe on the dance floor in a sleazy sort of mating ceremony. And then we came in. Brothers always attracted the right and wrong kind of crowd, even in the sort of fortress like our very own sin-eater provided for us all here at ZeroSum. I had walked in and barely made it to the bar when it seemed that everyone suddenly zoned in on the big warrior with a fuck off attitude and a blunt stuck between his lips. Bodies had suddenly appeared out of nowhere, or rather everywhere, and kept me trapped next to the bar. This was it, I wanted to have a drink with my brothers and, if I was being frank with myself, I wondered if I would see her that night and I could steal some time away with her.
I had just revealed to my brothers that I was leaving when I felt my hair stand at the back of my neck. She was here. My eyes caught her smaller figure from a distance and watched as she made her way to me. I had to pull every bit of self control I had not to turn and pick her up in my arms. I put out the blunt that I held between my lips and waited for the moment she came and closed the distance between us.
“You’re leaving?” the tone of her voice held a panic I didn’t think she would have for someone like me… it cut through me and would forever stay with me. Pleadingly she continued. “You.. you can’t leave. Stay…” The haunted look in her eyes tugged on my heart and ripped me to shreds. “Vishous, I…”
The sentence trailed off into an unfinished thought that held so much meaning and yet not nearly enough. “I don’t want you to go.” I wanted to tell her neither did I but, God knew I had no choice.
“It’s for the best, pet." Or so I kept telling myself, maybe repetition would actually make me believe that was true. That, somehow, I was doing this because I couldn’t deal with the fact that I would cause pain in people I actually cared about.
“Best for who?”
Fuck, who knew I had it in me to want to comfort a female? For me to actually care enough that I wanted to reach for her, touch her… yeah that would go well in a crowded place.
“Best for everyone.” Yes, once more. Rinse and repeat.
“Then this is good bye.” He voice so small she seemed like a child being told her parents had died. The kind of pain that an innocent had and could never get rid of. This was hurting her. And I liked that. Liked that she was hurting at the loss of me. I’m such a bastard.
“It is.” My voice sounded dead to my ears, there was nothing else to do or say but after a single embrace I would cherish forever, I was done and gone for the night.
Days and nights had been one and the same for me, spent in perpetual dark with no way of escaping the haunted memories and thoughts that were slowly driving me insane. An hour or two sleep was all I could manage and even that was eluding me now. My nights had been divided between fighting and stalking the night for even a chance to glimpse the female I craved and had no right to. I saw her from afar, my diamond eyes missing nothing from the way she moved to the way she stared off in the distance as if lost deep in thought. I missed her… shit… my pace faltered. To admit that was… monumental for me. My brows knitted together as I contemplated that possibility and its meaning. Fuck, was this going beyond a simple obsession? Simple curiosity? The situation had escalated to a point where it was worse than it had ever been with any other male or female. I rubbed my face as if the action could erase the unease that these thoughts cultivated deep within me. Goddamn feelings, confusing the fuck out of me. I knew there was something there but I was not willing to accept... no no.. I was not willing to go there not yet… not ever.
The rattling noise that came from the vibration of my phone broke through my tortured musing and I sighed thankful for any kind of distraction. Thoughts were a dangerous place right now. I pinched the bridge of my nose as I thought about who could possibly want me right now for whatever the fuck reason. “What?”
I swallowed a groan that threatened to fall from my lips when the voice came from the receiver in a, what I’m guessing, she considered a sultry greeting. Not again. Not the same thing all over again with this female. No matter what I did she kept coming, maybe giving her my phone number was not the best of ideas. “Hello” long pause and a very hard time processing the rest of what I was going to say “pet.”
Then things changed. I couldn’t believe where this conversation was going, although knowing the female I should have seen it coming. Her sickly sweet voice drifted again through the speaker “ I was wondering if you had need of me, my lheage. Stress relief, perhaps?” Didn’t that just make my stomach churn. However, the life I was living now had thrown me completely out of the game when it came to play time or even release. The name calling, what I was going through, the fact that I haven't called a pet in a while had me on edge to say the least. My leather covered hand fisted into a tight ball. Fuck the complications, it wouldn't even be a fuck. Just release. A blow-up doll with pulse and blood running through her veins... I gritted my teeth when I realized how fucked up I was and how much I was willing to give up for a moment of control over something when my life had decided to go haywire without my consent. Well fuck that. I’d take back whatever I could. My voice turned cold and dominant with an edge to it. “Yes, come on over now.”
I could almost feel her excitement through the phone, it made my skin crawl and yet I was unable to stop the request, to stop the pull to give into that need. It was a freight train coming at me full speed as I was bound and gagged to the track just waiting to be hit. She was talking way too much at that moment and I cut her off without a single moment of hesitation. I growled in annoyance at the questions I didn't want to hear, she was no newbie and I needed to inflict pain. Right.Fucking.Now. I stood up and made my way to my toys, my voice dripping acid with every word. “Yes, I need you to shut the fuck up and show up.” With that I ended the call and prepared for the scene that was minutes away from happening.
Hours later, in the darkness of the Penthouse by myself with a glass of Goose in my hand I stared out the sliders at the city below. The session was done and it left me feeling hollow, it was my old lifestyle back with full force. What I had experienced was nothing but the mechanics, movements of the forms with nothing to connect my mind with my body. I reacted on instinct and got off on the power I felt to have the writhing body on the table, bloody and spent, all because of what I had done. This is what you wanted, remember? Nothing out of the scene, nothing but gain for you.
And in the dark, left with no one to witness my weakness I admitted it, just once to myself and hoped it was enough to clear the female from my thoughts for good...Jodi...her goddamned name is Jodi... I scrubbed a hand over my face and said it out loud into the cavernous torture chamber I'd made my home- Jodi... -I winced at the pain of it but I'd said it for all the good it was going to do, the slow burn of vodka dulling me to the faint scent of spice wafting up from my skin. Jodi... Tohr's mate. I slammed the glass down on the bar... sonofabitch. She was my pyrocant was what she was. She should be my female. My mate. FUCKING MINE-
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